Series 1

Season 1 · 2003 · 8 episodes

Episodes

1Holiday RotaRay is trying to sort out the holiday rota. You'd think it would be easy, but not with this staff Sandy is mid-crisis: she and boyfriend Terry have just been to the hospital for her first scan, but there was one thing she'd overlooked — she hadn't told Terry she was actually pregnant. And now he's having serious doubts. Meanwhile, Martin is trying to pluck up the courage to tell Christine his feelings for her. If only he could go on holiday with her to Rhyl. And Bobby could be in big trouble: Pamela's been doing wheelies with him all night. Her husband knows she's been entertaining someone from the Bingo Hall, and he wants to know who.
2IndecencyRay will not tolerate his staff consorting with the punters so he's determined to photograph Bobby at it with Pamela. Unfortunately he photographs the wrong person, is accused of indecency and has to ask the staff to be character witnesses for him. If only someone actually liked him. Martin decides to impress Christine by trying to look like her favourite pop star and Sandy enlists Mary's help in practising for a water birth. Mary's knows all about these things. Her eldest, Bridie, had a water birth - on the log flume at Chessington World of Adventures.
3Stars In Their EyesRay has to give the punters his ""Tony Christie"" during the interval when the PA system breaks down. A talent scout for Stars in Their Eyes hears him and offers him a spot. Could this be Ray's chance to escape? Bobby sets Martin up with a date in order to make Christine jealous. Unfortunately, the date, Jean, turns out to be in her early sixties, with a face like a prune. She also thinks ""I've got no knickers on"" is an attractive chat-up line. Sandy is thinking of becoming Catholic so her unborn baby will be able to go to the local Catholic school - ""it's slap bang in the middle of the Tanning shop and the bookies, so it's dead handy for Terry and me.""
4First AidAn elderly punter dies while Ray is calling the numbers. The other punters are upset, especially when he suggests a halt in play while the body is removed. Ray is now worried that the staff know nothing about first aid. And he's even more worried when the local Mr Big brings his dear old mum to Bingo and says if anything happens to her Ray will be taking a ferry across the Mersey but only making it half way before he's dropped off. Meanwhile, tragedy hits Bobby - he can't get a woman to sleep with him and goes an entire night without sex. Has he lost it? He goes into a serious depression. Martin takes up magic in his latest bid to impress Christine.
5Face PeelRay meets a contemporary from school who looks much younger than him - ""I've had a face peel. You can get some great bargains. My wife's just had her tits done half price. Buy one, get one free"". Ray decides to have a face peel with disastrous results - ""I've just paid a fortune on me face for it to pass for Phil Mitchell's arse. Collette Smith's just said I put her in mind of her sister. The one who's allergic to the 21st century. She's in a bubble. They have to roll her to the shops."" Eventually he is unable to call the numbers, so Bobby steps into the breach and becomes an overnight hit. Christine is burgled and decides to go and live with her sister in Clacton. Has Martin left it too late to proclaim his love? Sandy and Terry go and see an actual birth and come back shell-shocked. The only births they'd ever seen were on EastEnders and they were over in a matter of minutes! Can Mary reassure them that all will be well?
6The ClairvoyantRay hires a clairvoyant to provide the interval entertainment and she then predicts their futures. She tells Bobby his one true love will return - and lo and behold he gets a phone call from ""the girl that got away"", the girl who left him when he was 17. This clairvoyant knows what she's talking about. She also tells Christine she will fall in love with another dog owner. So Martin buys a dog. Finally she has a prediction for Ray - ""Mmm. I don't really like to say things like this Ray, but I can't see a future past seven o'clock tomorrow night. Now, where's me handbag? I've got a train to catch."" And she goes, leaving Ray in a total state, convinced he's going to die the following evening. Meanwhile, Sandy is also depressed. She and Terry haven't made love for over five months because she's worried it might upset baby - ""I don't want Terry going near the baby chute"". Once Mary reassures her that making love is okay when you're pregnant she and Terry are at it like rabbits. Will Bobby's
7Christine's BirthdayRay has applied for the Regional Manager's job. But the boss of the Rio chain is very keen on family values and wants to meet Ray and his wife. Can Ray find a wife? And can he possibly ensure that it isn't Mary? Meanwhile it is Christine's birthday. At her party she confesses to Bobby that she's feeling sad and lonely and that life has passed her by. Bobby tells her how Martin feels about her, but she says she doesn't want Martin, she wants excitement. So Bobby gives her some excitement in the gents, where Martin discovers them. Bobby has also provided some entertainment for the party: Darth Vader, the worst strippogram in the world. And there's a shock for someone when Darth is unmasked.
8CharityRay is determined to get himself some good publicity as a charitable do-gooder. So he makes out that Mary is ill and then raises funds to send her to Lourdes so she can come back cured. Unfortunately, she comes back with a criminal record. Martin is still smarting over Christine and Bobby. And now Christine thinks she might be pregnant. Will Bobby stand by her? Or will Martin? Relationships are at breaking point. And then something else breaks - Sandy's waters.