Petals to the Metal

Season 5 · 2015 · 10 episodes

2 Fantasy 2 Furious in this epic tale of battlewagon battles. Think Mad Max meets Wacky Races meets three fantasy dummies.

1Chapter OneIn this first chapter in a new Adventure Zone story, Merle, Taako and Magnus are in hot pursuit of a master criminal in the metropolitan city of Goldcliff. Can they stop The Raven before her crime spree tears the town apart? I don’t know, because we haven’t finished playing this part of the campaign yet. Magnus does some chopping. Taako learns to Nightcrawl. Merle has a genuinely upsetting encounter with some vines.
2Chapter TwoOur heroes attempt to reconcile with Trent the Treant; a task made difficult by the fact that one of them just cut him in half. After that, buckle up y’all, because it’s ELEVATOR TIME. YEEEEAAAAHHHHHH ELEVATORS. Merle befriends a crowbar. Taako does a rope trick. Magnus holds on for dear lives.
3Chapter ThreeIn this installment, the question isn’t ‘Will our heroes survive,’ it’s, ‘What’s going to kill them first?’ Our money’s on either the elevator shaft full of sentient vines, or the godlike criminal waiting for them at the top of said shaft. Magnus has an embarrassing pants accident. Taako runs out of juice. Merle goes walking in Memphis.
4Chapter FourHaving straight-up embarrassed themselves in their first encounter with The Raven, our heroes look for alternative methods of defeating her. Merle channels a Train God. Magnus makes a fishy deal. Taako receives some bathroom aid.
5Chapter FiveOur heroes attempt a sneaking mission to retrieve a vital Battlewagon component, and end up doing something ghoulish that they’ll have to keep secret forever. Also, a beloved character returns. Merle saves his heals. Taako grows a third eye. Magnus clefts.
6Chapter SixCan our heroes secure their hairy compatriot and their arcane objective while not killing everyone in sight? Also, can they go five whole minutes without making a dildo joke? Merle soothes some anger. Magnus sets his axe to stun. Taako reveals his spirit animal.
7Chapter SevenBWAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! That’s the sound of a horn, meaning it’s time for the Battlewagon Races we’ve been building up to for six episodes to begin. BUCKLE UP. Taako holds a coronation. Magnus leaps before looking. Merle gets a face hug.
8Chapter EightThis episode is basically a self-contained Fast and the Furious movie, if that film franchise incorporated actual arcane magicks, rather than just “movie magic.” Magnus does some risky jumping. Merle takes a tumble. Taako summons a new best friend.
9Chapter NineIn this penultimate installment of a race that has gotten wildly, profoundly out of hand, our heroes take on a trio of automotive threats. Merle starts himself a convoy. Magnus fights a shark. Taako catches up with an old friend.
10Chapter TenThis is it. Our heroes are in a dead heat with The Raven, the finish line in sight. Who will emerge victorious? Who will end up with the mighty Gaia Sash? More importantly, is there any prize money for this thing? Taako does some sunbathing. Magnus gets shredded. Merle executes the weirdest brag ever.

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